Do you ever question every choice you’ve ever made and every choice that you still have to make? I cannot decide what i want anymore, I have no idea if any of the decisions ive made in my past were any good, and i dont know what to choose now. i love them all. but whats the difference between soulmate love and friend love? i cant tell anymore. it all feels the same. maybe it is all friend love? maybe its all soulmate love? i cant decipher my own emotions anymore. i feel like a psycho.. im being a SHITTY gf, im being an even shittier friend. ugh. why cant it be the olden days when ur parents forced you to marry people you didnt give a damn about and ur love for them was forced to grow on you. at least then you didnt have to break hearts every five minutes, make terribly difficult decisions, and have to live with the knowledge that every single choice you’ve made or may make in the future is entirely your own and you have no one to blame but yourself -_- ugh.
I need a car. I feel trapped. depressed. irritable. pissed. ugh…
I havent had a second thought about dumping him, since the breakup almost two years ago… so why the fuck has he randomly popped back into my head?
Because as stupid as he could fucking be, I almost always knew what was going on in his head… I cant say the same for this one… Ever… :/
Sleep is my haven…
I used to always wonder why I’m always so tired…
Doctor said that I could be depressed but I never believed him until now.
It came to my understanding today that whenever my hopes and dreams are crushed, (because they’re always pulverized eventually)
The only thing I want to do is curl up in my bed and sleep…
To be alone with nothing but the few happy dreams left in my head.
He asked me last night if id ever forgive him if he stabbed me.
WTF, right?
My Reply: “No, I would NOT forgive you if you tried to Kill me -_-“
Him: “But your Ex Boyfriend pushed you once when he was angry and you forgave him.”
Me: “A scrapped knee vs possible death… hmm.. really?”
Him: *Angrily* ”Same difference.”
Me: “Are you mad at me because i wont forgive you if you attempt to murder me?”
Him: “Yes…”
HAHAHA This is what I deal with.. But I love the guy, so what can I say? haha <3
What’s keeping me awake you ask?
Well, the fact that my boyfriend and I are yet again in a stupid might be my answer.. Or the fact that as of late I’m constantly stressed out of my mind… Or maybe I’m a psychopath? Take your pick.
I have no idea what I want.
But I’m easily swayed.
So just make my life simple…
Please.
Make me want nothing but you…
Life Is Full of Difficult Decisions.
In My Case, I’ve Reached A Stand Still With My Most Recent Decision.
Here’s The Choice:
Stay In a Relationship That Feel Miserable In 90 Percent Of The Time And The Most Amazing I’ve Ever Felt In The Other 10 Percent Of The Time…
OR
Take This Opportunity To Get Out While We’re Already On The Verge Of A Break-Up.
“What To Do, What To Do” Is The Only Thing Going Through My Head…
I Mean, This Boy Drives Me Insane And Makes Me MEAN (I’m NEVER mean…).
He Turns Me Into A Person That I Would Never Like To Be.
And There Are SO Many Guys Out There… But I Just Don’t Know If Any Of Them Are Capable Of Making Me Feel Like I Do In That 10 Percent Of The Time.
I Wish Someone Could Just Make Up My Mind For Me, But Nobody Knows How He Makes Me Feel.. And This Is A Big Decision For Me Right Now. It Could Determine The Outcome Of My Entire Future…
Because If I Stay With Him, It Could Either Lead To:
A Long Happy Future With Him
OR
A Miserable Existence
And If I Leave Him, It Could Result In Either:
My Happiness, And A Guy That Treats Me RIGHT
OR
Regret.
So, Until I Can Decipher My Feelings About Him And A Potential Future Without Him, I’ll Continue To Keep This Tough Choice In My Mind And Wonder “What Do I REALLY Want?” AND Is It Even Him…?
